Like you needed another reason to not fly Ryanair

Snobby elitist post...

According to ABTN "Ryanair has fitted 15 Dublin-based aircraft with technology to allow in-flight calls and text messages, with trials to start at the end of July.

By the end of the next fiscal year it wants to extend this to 50 aircraft, and across its fleet within a year and half."

So besides virtually no service groundside, no service in the air, stripping planes to the bare minimum with fixed seats, no windowshades, now you would have to put up with gobby tourists waffling on about how "I'm on the plane" or with the incessant "beep beep .......... beep beep" text messaging notification sound. Though given Michael O'Leary said “The charge you pay will be the international roaming charges" and Ryanair customers are tighter than Mbeki and Mugabe, it might be not that bad.

I say you, because I wont fly Ryanair. With Gold Elite Air NZ status I can fly in the back on short European flights with Star Alliance airlines, use business class checkin, have lounge access and business class baggage, and be with an airline that does provide some sort of service on the ground. Beyond that BA isn't half bad, sometimes has good deals in Club Europe (business class) and I am halfway to being Gold Qantas so I can do the same with OneWorld as I can with Star Alliance. Now I'm not saying flights around Europe in economy class are great, they are not that comfortable, have almost always bad food (though free drinks are appreciatd) are often late and uninspiring - but they are step beyond Ryanair's truly cattle class (and many of the people you travel with are too!). However, if you are willing to travel as freight then you'll pay - and it's the same with flying third (economy) class UK-NZ, especially without a stopover.

Fortunately tomorrow I'm flying BA back, and not in fourth, third or second class.

Advice on travel to Istanbul

In the absence of time to do a full review, here are some tips:

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1# Istanbul is well worth visiting. You can stay at the Sultanahmet, Taksim or in the Bazaar district to be close to those things worth seeing.

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2# Taxi drivers are mad, wear your seatbelt.

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3# Don't stay at the TashKonak Hotel unless you are paying no more than about US$100. The rooms are pokey, electricity unreliable and breakfast is a complete rip off. Staff friendly and good location, ideal for top end backpacker side of the market.

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4# Turkish Airlines is actually not bad. In economy class choice of hot meals which are pretty good as far as economy class goes and reasonable range of drinks. That plus headsets and a movie means it is ahead of most airlines in Europe on a regional flight. Legroom still bad but online checkin allows you select seats 24 hours in advance, so I got an exit row on the way back, and as it is Star Alliance you get Air NZ airpoints, and those with Gold status can use the rather opulent lounge at Istanbul (although the food there is nothing special).

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5# Be prepared if your hotel is located next to a mosque, the first call to prayer is 5am and last one after 10pm. It's everywhere at Sultanahmet, but mosques are all over this city of 11 million.

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6# Take time, there is a lot to see. You need a day to do a boat trip up the Bosphorus or hop over to the Asian side.

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7# The tram is dirt cheap, air conditioned and a very reliable way of getting between certain places as it is largely separate from traffic (yes and light rail enthusiasts can see the density of housing in Istanbul to see why it works there and wouldn't in NZ).

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8# NZ passport holders don't need to buy a tourist visa at the airport. Australian, British, US and umpteen others do. Gloat away.

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9# Locals stare, especially at Western women (given few local women bare legs and arms, although maybe half of the younger ones do in trendier shopping areas), it isn't considered offensive.

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10# Go see the Basilica Cistern, it is right in the heart of Sultanahmet. Istanbul was once the centre of the Roman Empire, there is much history to be seen here.

Qantas stuffs up A380 cabin release

When Singapore Airlines highlighted the new cabins as the first airline flying the Airbus A380 "whalejet" it got accolades. From the Suites providing proper beds in cabins with sliding doors, being undoubtedly the best first class in the air, its fully lie flat wide business class seats (as wide as the pitch between typical economy class seats), and its slightly wider economy class seats with bigger entertainment screens. Singapore Airlines has something to show off and rightfully so.

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Emirates is the second airlines to fly the A380, but has not released interior photos. Qantas will be the third, but has.

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It's so underwhelming, some commentators think the airline has screwed up. I'd have to agree. Here are the publicly available photos. The first class looks no better than Air NZ's Business Premier but reversed the other way, the business class looks like current Qantas business class but the seat cushioning looks dishevelled and uninspiring. Economy class, yawn. Now it might be better if professional photographers and the PR wonks tart it all up (as they should've, not just let some journo take some pics), but look for yourself. Would you choose Singapore Airlines or Qantas? I don't think there is any contest... Singapore remains supreme.

TAP Air Portugal? 3 stars

I recently flew TAP Air Portugal for the first time, London to Lisbon return, in scum class. No I didn't expect much, and neither should you. Portugal is a nice country, the people are lovely, the airport at Lisbon was better than many, but the airline could do with some polishing. I've reviewed it on my travel blog, which will now include flights and hotels that I experience and think you should know about. The verdict? BA's better - although at least my luggage turned up.

Many Heathrow travellers enjoying relief

well not those at Terminal 5. That's a disaster. It's not even a wholesale shift of all BA flights. All that happened is that most Terminal 1 BA flights were shifted to Terminal 5, none of the Terminal 4 flights have moved. They are scheduled to move in a month, but that's unlikely to happen on time. So expect a second major failure when that shift occurs.

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However, by contrast Terminal 1 by some accounts is an absolute breeze.

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You see, with almost all BA flights having moved out of Terminal 1 to Terminal 5, those remaining ones are flying through with a capacious, though aging terminal.

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Biggest airline at Terminal 1 is BMI, enjoying its highest ever reliability levels at Heathrow, as well as a boon from those avoiding BA with all of the troubles. You can also enjoy Heathrow's easiest to use terminal if you fly:

- Aer Lingus;

- Asiana;

- Cyprus Airways;

- El Al;

- Finnair;

- Icelandair;

- LOT Polish Airlines;

- South African Airways;

- Transaero; and

- US Airways.

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BA also has kept flights to Spain, Portugal and Finland at Terminal 1, for now (partly as BA wants routes operated jointly with codeshare partners not to operate from Terminal 5).

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So, for now, avoid Terminal 5 - which continues to have flights cancelled, baggage delayed and more disturbingly luggage lost for transit. That means don't use Heathrow as a transit hub flying BA.

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On the other hand, if you are flying any of the above airlines, Terminal 1 is apparently a breeze, with a 60% reduction in passengers - there are plenty of places to sit, baggage is getting through fast, no queues for gates on arrival. Meanwhile it's getting refurbished, and both Air New Zealand and United Airlines are moving there from Terminal 3 on 10 June.

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So there is a new experience at Heathrow - it's at Terminal 1. Give the other one at least a month to shakedown.

Domestic airline service - quality again

Is it a sign of change that both Air NZ and Qantas have now reintroduced food service on board the main trunk domestic flights, with promises of more improvements to come?

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Back before Ansett NZ arrived in the 1980s, when Richard Prebble lifted the limit on foreign investment in domestic airlines to 50%, Air NZ offered just a simple tea/coffee/orange juice service with legendary unopenable packs of cheese and crackers. The arrival of Ansett saw hot meals arrive and first class on domestic flights (with a choice of hot meals), airbridges and business lounges. Air NZ quickly followed suit creating Koru Club, introducing cold meals (then hot meals) and business class, as well as spending several million upgrading the then clapped out mostly central government owned Wellington domestic terminal (oh yes the wonders of government ownership).

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We had around 15 years of competition on service, as Ansett NZ went from strength to strength, was hurt badly by a long running industrial dispute, and eventually was flogged off to become Qantas NZ, which folded and was replaced by Qantas proper operating domestically in NZ. Meanwhile, Air NZ was privatised and came to dominate domestic routes, before investing in Ansett Australia - due to Australian government rules on foreign investment - and nearly collapsing as Dr Cullen refused to let Singapore Airlines bail it out.

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Then Air NZ introduced Express Class, gutting Business Class on domestic flights and all food and drink, except tea/coffee and a cookie - which itself was about to be cut last year.

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Now it's halfway back, with snacks, free bar, and other enhancements. More is to come, with Qantas reintroducing flights to Christchurch, upgrading its domestic lounges, and Air NZ to create a new premium section at the front of its 737s with 3-4 inches more legroom than at present, for full fare and top tier frequent flyers.

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Just another cycle - but it is only a coincidence that service was poor under Muldoon's socialism, got better under Douglas's free market reforms - stayed that way until two years after Labour got into power -then went cheap and is now emerging again to be higher quality just as Labour is about to lose.

Little piggies in the trough

Yes, 2 Labour MPs (Marian Hobbs and Margaret Wilson), 2 National MPs (Brian Connell and Katherine Rich) and 1 from NZ First (Peter Brown), all engaging in a farewell hurrah tour to Europe - to perk up their airpoints, flying business class on Singapore Airlines to the political hub - Milan! I've calculated around 680 airpoints dollars per MP for that - not bad when you consider an airpoints dollar is worth a dollar to spend on future flights. Peter Brown as a rabid enthusiast for shipping ought to be sailing though.

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Now I DO know that Singapore Airlines flights to Milan are not cheap, since they have the brand new business class onboard the Boeing 777-300ERs on that route. Stuff reports the fares alone will be little short of $10,000.

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Brian Connell, a National MP suspended from caucus for 18 months, was suggested by no less than John Key for having one of the National "places on the tour".

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So you see, National wont stop spending your money on pointless overseas travel by MPs.

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Brian Connell's reaction was "It was very pleasant - a nice change of circumstances" . Marian Hobbs doesn't know why your money is paying for her to go to Europe saying "I don't know too much about the purpose. I think it's about MMP. I'm not sure." It's a jolly Marian isn't it?

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Katherine Rich, who is meant to represent people who voted National in New Zealand said the trip would be a chance to represent Parliament overseas - because that is, so important, isn't it?

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Margaret Wilson's office said "the trip was an opportunity to establish relations with countries that were part of an enlarged Europe". Um hello? What value is there in them establishing relations with outgoing MPs? Besides we already DO have diplomatic relations with Poland, Italy, the Czech Republic and Hungary. Europe hasn't enlarged either, the countries have always been a part of Europe - the European Union isn't "Europe".

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Peter Brown's office said "he's so excited to go on a big plane at last" (no I made that up).

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So while Labour defends its "impeccable record" at being frugal, and National claims it will be more frugal - it's clear that while this is small fry, none have any such interest. How, as an MP, living off of the money taken from others, can you with clear conscience go on a trip that has no clear purpose?

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UPDATE: Not PC suggests that we are better off with them taking jollies. Well I'd definitely like to see most of them go on a permanent jolly. They can't make laws while they do.

No more short haul business class on Air NZ?

Yes I know most of you don't care, but there is evidence growing that Air NZ is looking to drop business class on its Boeing 767s and Airbus A320s in favour of premium economy. This presumably means a drop in food service and possible drop in food quality as well.

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Why does it matter? Well some of us pay for business class occasionally for crossing the Tasman, it is more important between Auckland and Perth. Sometimes there is value in using airpoints upgrades as well (useful when flying in the evenings after a long day to get a decent meal and relaxing seat without sitting like cattle). Qantas business class is usually far more expensive (and not any better), and Emirates flights are not at convenient times.

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I hope it is not true. It would go against the increase in legroom for some rows in the front of 737s on domestic flights, and the reintroduction of a (modest) complimentary food service on domestic 737 and A320 flights.

Lessons about Sydney

1. Ask the taxi driver at the airport BEFORE he drives anywhere if he knows the SUBURB you want to go to, if he doesn't, leave him there.

2. If you forget rule 1, then make sure you have some idea where you are going and when you know he has it wrong demand he stop, turn off the meter and give him directions until you get there. Refuse to pay more.

3. Don't go to the cafe on Curl Curl beach, it is mediocre and overpriced (try being told you can't buy a sandwich to eat in because "these are for our takeaway customers, what else would I sell them", although Curl Curl is a nice beach. You're far better off going to Dee Why or Manly.

4. Try not to be so drunk that your boyfriend is helping you walk along the beach at 6am whilst the rest of us are having a walk or jog - it's really quite sad.

5. Look at the price for business class airtickets, not just economy. The economy ticket for my flight was over $100 MORE than business class. Then you don't need to look at me in envy when while you're all in a snaking queue to checkin at 3 counters, I walk straight up to a free counter, get fastrack security and immigration, and get fed properly. e.g. it can be cheaper to fly LAN from Auckland to Sydney in business class than flying economy class on Air NZ or Qantas, depending on time/day.

Now I'm off to NZ to see family/friends for Christmas, sitting in the Air NZ lounge at Sydney on the most gorgeous Saturday morning, wondering why the hell any of us from this part of the world would want to be in London this time of year (other than if I keep doing it for a few years I could afford to get a place in Manly).

Austrian Airlines - pretty good really

I recently has cause to fly to China from London, as BA was charging an extortionate fare for the direct business class flight, and I wont fly Air China for reasons I shouldn't have to explain, and I can always do with some Star Alliance points, I chose Austrian Airlines - which means obviously, flying through Vienna.

Austrian has a good reputation for long haul service, and I also read that Vienna airport is a breeze to transit through and Austrian waits for connecting flights - so why not?

Well first, what was good?

Vienna IS a breeze to transit, when returning it was literally out one gate and there's the next one less than a minute away. Even arriving from London when we had to be bussed in the rain from the tarmac (grrr), the walk from the entrance point to the gate took 2-3 minutes. No further than going from checkin at Wellington to the Air NZ gates. Light years ahead of the rabbit warren of Frankfurt.

Secondly is the food. Austrian Airlines has a dedicated onboard chef in business class on long haul. Yes a chef, not a trolley dolly heating up pre-packed food in ovens, but actual cooking. The starter is an antipasto trolley with around 12! - yes 12 different starters, hot and cold, and soup to choose from. The dessert, fruit and cheese trolley isn't much different - with a wide range available. The mains is cooked as you like it, so steak can be rare, medium or well done. You order breakfast with eggs how you want them! This wasn't done on a 747 either, it was a 767! However Austrian 767s are far nicer than Qantas and Air NZ ones, it also has brand new 777s. Austrian uses a good part of the front to put in the galley. It also offers 10 different varieties of coffee, and an ample selection of liquor. Seriously, Austrian Airlines offered the best long haul airline food I have ever had, and makes you realise how second rate heat and eat food can be. This SHOULD be the standard for business class food. Even the short hops to and from London had high quality hot meals that were quite delicious.

Thirdly is the service. The crew are willing to please, helpful, friendly, and respond quickly to calls and accurately, and are very keen to be perfectionists. Indeed, easily the best service of any continental airlines I have flown. Tall, multi-lingual, good looking, friendly, light years ahead of the moody trolley tarts for Virgin (and none of them can remember when they were) Atlantic. The strange orange uniforms don't complete put your off, and the chef wears a chef outfit as part of the deal. You get an amenity kit, which is fairly conventional and handy, and a decent blanket, but small pillow.

What was mediocre?

The longhaul business class seats. They are of the sloping flat variety seen in business class on Qantas, Lufthansa, Cathay Pacific and most Singapore Airlines flights. In other words, when you fully recline, it feels like you're lying on an ironing board which is leaning. The seats are also rather narrow. You see on the 767 the seating goes 2-2-2, whereas in economy class it is 2-3-2. The width of one economy class seats really only adds enough to cover the consoles between the business class seats. The good side is they are infinitely adjustable and have an excellent massage function, I got about 4-5 hours sleep on the overnight leg, so they are ok - and certainly light years ahead of any old fashioned recliners. There is some useful storage places in the seat, but it could simply do with being wider and properly flat.

The inflight entertainment. Essentially it is like the old Air NZ business class multi-track entertainment system with slightly bigger screens (sort of like the Air NZ economy class ones in size). Not interactive, but quite a few channels. OK, but needing replacement.

The lounge in Vienna. Frankly, this was crap. The business class lounge is pokey, has a small bathroom, no showers (which are highly desirable after a 9 hour flight), and a selection of snacks and drinks that are mediocre at best (Koru Club in Wellington is light years ahead). Free wifi is welcome, but a distinct lack of comfortable seating - and at certain times (and my flight to London was delayed over an hour and a half) people struggled to find seats.

Finally, the business class seats on the European route were complete crap. I'm used to this, but these literally were just economy class seats with the middle seat blocked out on the A320 Airbus, but on the smaller jet there wasn't even that. Business class within Europe gave me a hot meal and first off the plane, otherwise I could've been flying Trans Tasman on Air NZ economy class and been more comfortable.

So the conclusion? Fly Austrian if the food and service matter first, as both are good, and despite the poor quality lounge in Vienna it is still light years ahead of almost all United Airlines lounges. The long haul seats are alright, better than other sloping flat seats I've been in - but you can't beat true lie flat. The entertainment system is ok, no better than that which most BA and Qantas planes have, and Vienna is easy to transit - if you don't have the pain of waiting for your flight. The food and service are worth trying, and despite being part of the Lufthansa group of airlines, Austrian is well ahead of Lufthansa in every respect. It is a pity it has stopped flying to Australia!

St. Pancras to Europe

Today a new era in travel between the UK and Europe has begun with the shifting of the Eurostar rail service from Waterloo Station to St. Pancras. This change is the culmination of two integrated projects, the refurbishment and upgrade of St.Pancras station into an international rail terminal, and the completion of the fastest high speed rail link in the UK, allowing 186mph rail journeys from the Channel Tunnel to St. Pancras.

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The upgrade knocks around 20 minutes off of the rail trip from London to Paris. Frankly, air travel between London and Paris, and Brussels has become increasingly pointless. Not least because the need to check in, the tightening of security at airports (not that security is absent on Eurostar), and the distance of Heathrow and Charles De Gaulle airports from London and Paris city centres - means rail travel is simply faster and more pleasant than being boxed in on a short flight, that may be delayed for ages at either airport due to congestion. The cost of this line is an incredible £5.2 billion - astronomical, not least because it involves a 19km tunnel under east London.

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However, today was not the day to debate the questionable value of this investment, only undertaken through convaluted financial arrangements with essentially the British taxpayer supporting it - and today was not the day to remind people that the line is expected only to be used to one-quarter of its capacity, and only half the trains are actually needed. Today was the day of St. Pancras.

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St. Pancras is now, once again, London's premier station. Built by the Midland Railway Company back when Britain's railways were being built and run by the unfettered private sector, it was designed to be (and succeeded in being) grander than the Kings Cross and Euston stations of the competing railway companies of the age - Great Northern Railway and London and North Western Railway. Following the demolition of the original Euston for functional yet uninspiring current terminal, St. Pancras was saved from demolition under British Rail (after nationalisation by the Atlee Labour Government) by the efforts of John Betjemen the poet.

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So now the Gothic wonder of grand old St. Pancras has been painstakingly restored, and I have yet to see it for myself. However, it promises to be grander, and a far more alluring gateway than the overcrowded Waterloo. In a few months time I hope to be able to test this. Meanwhile, judge for yourselves from the website or Eurostar's website.

Pacific Blue's domestic launch sees others raise the bar

Good on them, more competition on domestic air routes. It reminds me again of the debates in the 1980s when old Labour (yes before 1984) fought AGAINST deregulating the domestic airline market - and then in power opened it up to 100% foreign owned competition.

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Something Jim Anderton and Winston Peters opposed vehemently, because they loved old fashioned state owned Air NZ. Of course Air NZ is new fashioned mostly state owned now (albeit a publicly listed one).

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The domestic airline market has gone through a full cycle. Before 1987 and Ansett NZ, there was next to no service and fares were expensive. Ansett saw more discount fares, but also saw airline lounges, airbridges, business/first class and hot meals appear on domestic flights. I recall a column by Chris Trotter who saw domestic business class being some sort of class divider between the "haves" and "have nots". I never figured why people who flew were ever "have nots". On top of that, who the hell ever flew domestic business class unless they were:

a. Connecting to a long haul business class flight, so it was part of the ticket;

b. Using a free upgrade voucher which you got as a Gold/Gold Elite airpoints member; or

c. A politician (Rodney Hide used to say he had to fly Business Class to meet his constituents, but Laila Harre also regularly flew business class between Auckland and Wellington).

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Then Ansett became Qantas NZ, then Qantas before Air NZ dropped business class and hot meals a few years ago, to go no frills. Qantas followed suit. Now Pacific Blue is coming in with no frills, Air NZ is responding by introducing a few rows in the front with around 4-5 inches more legroom for "premium customers " (likely Gold Elite/Gold status frequent flyers, full fare passengers and passengers connecting to business class international flights). Qantas has also announced it is upgrading NZ domestic lounges and installing upgraded interiors, more food service and a free evening bar service on flights.

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S0 you might get a good deal on Pacific Blue, but frankly I'm looking forward to sitting at the front end of Air NZ with international long haul economy class legroom, or getting fed for free again on domestic flights. No doubt Chris Trotter will bemoan this as representing a new bastion of the class struggle!

Returned from the land of censorship

Well I hadn't disappeared, more I was unable to blog whilst behind the firewall of an authoritarian state. Now I'm in central Europe and "free" again.

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Mainland China is invigorating, it is absolutely astounding - and is so incredibly different from Hong Kong. Setting aside the choking pollution (at times), the selective censorship (which frankly is subtle enough to not be apparent to those who wouldn't think different) and the usual handful of those wanting to cheat you, it is full of life, people who throng the streets at 7am on a Sunday! The spectrum of humanity from the friendly and ever helpful, to the grumpy, lying and remarkably poor, the cheerful families with cute kids, the helpful policeman (yes really!), the annoying salespeople, the joking taxi drivers - well and the driving.

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Take a taxi in Beijing, in fact take dozens - you will learn to develop a fearlessness that will put you in good stead for life - you'll see that the way to cope with traffic jams is to cut in, to pull across, to push in, to overtake, and everyone does it. In fact, walk around. If you walk you'll learn you get nowhere obeying the signals, in fact it could kill you to rely on them - just look out and walk, walk fast, be prepared to stop fast, and you'll be fine.

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I'll say more about China, how there is much reason to be optimistic about it - and how difficult it is to understand. If the capital has very few who know English outside shops in the main shopping street, then figure out how easily they understand the world.

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China's Communist Party Congress will, secretly, be debating across the political spectrum about reforms either to have more socialism and state control on the one hand, or to separate state and party, have the party accountable to the law and party discipline not equivalent to criminal law. Meanwhile, those in the centre are increasingly aware of the corruption that their own "free market" capitalism engenders without an independent judiciary, guaranteed individual freedoms and property rights.

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It's worth understanding China, to see confucianism, Marxism-Leninism and entrepreneurialism co-exist - and because by the end of the decade its economy will be second is size only to the United States.

Virgin - image vs substance

No, not virgins, so the dozens or so pervy people who are searching for something about virgins or anything but virgins, and are now disappointed can go here (R18 seriously NSFW and I'm not banned in China). I'm talking about:

Sir Richard Branson, or "Beardie" as Jeremy Clarkson likes to call him, is a great marketing man. He has built a brand image of excitement, innovation, cutting edge and being, somewhat, the outsider - the new guy who likes to shake things up. It started with Virgin Music, but has moved onto broadcasting, airlines, trains and more. My main experiences have been in travel.

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Travelling on a Virgin Trains Pendolino train in first class reminds me of what the Virgin brand is about, image more than substance. The sort of style that leaves dirty teaspoons at the table, the sort of style that means sometimes you can’t get scrambled eggs with the full breakfast because the menu says fried eggs, even though the menu also says scrambled eggs with salmon ("I'll have to check with chef"). Honestly, how hard can i be for a fare that can be as high as £168 one way? Virgin has a whole range of products I have had reason to consume or deal with:
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-Virgin Trains
- Virgin Atlantic Airways
- Virgin media
- Virgin radio
- Virgin mobile
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My problem with the Virgin Group is not that its products are awful, mostly they are not. Sometimes it is outstanding, much of the time it is ok, sometimes it is awful. It is the inconsistency that is annoying. However what particularly irks me is Sir Richard Branson’s play with the media, and how seduced the media is by his antics. He’s very clever, the name, logo and the style and way he gets media attention is pretty clever. For years he played the underdog ticket, and still does. He played it against BA with Virgin Atlantic Airways, little guy against the big former state owned monopoly.
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He has done it more recently with Virgin Media (essentially the former NTL/Telewest cable TV/broadband network here in the UK), moaning about how Sky wanted more money for Virgin Media to keep rebroadcasting content that Sky produced/commissioned/owned the rights to. Branson bleeted about being the consumer’s friend, when anyone who subscribes to Virgin Media must sign a minimum 12 month contract and has no right to use anyone else for national/international calls using the phone service. Virgin Media has lost this battle somewhat, despite slick advertising, Sky has picked up new subscribers by offering broadband as well. Style over substances hasn't really won. Virgin Media's High Definition TV offering is also style over substance, as it only relays some on demand programming and BBC's HD channel. Sky by contrast offers another 9 HD channels and video on demand. Virgin Media in its previous incarnation as NTL had shocking service. Call centres that wouldn’t answer, that weren’t helpful. Cutting off the phone even though you paid your bill because you made calls that went over the “limit” allowed, and meaning you use your mobile to call a call centre that made you wait. The public clearly are not enchanted with Virgin Media more than the previous brand, no wonder there are negotiations to sell Virgin Media.
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Of the Virgin group, Virgin Radio bothers me the least. It’s ok, it’s on AM everywhere outside London (and digital radio, but I haven’t bought one of those yet) and I don’t pay for it. Virgin Records similarly is an outlet, which may or may not have what I want. Nothing special, but nothing wrong with it either. However it is owned by SMG, not Virgin Group (although retains the name/logo etc). Virgin mobile is a slightly different story, only in that the coverage of the network it is reselling in the YK (no, it doesn't have a network of its own not here or elsewhere, it resells T-Mobile's network) is inferior to Vodafone. You might notice that a lot of what Virgin does is not really about being innovative, it resells what others offer. T-Mobile is one, the trains are another (it only leases the trains bought by and financed by a rolling stock company), the cable TV service Virgin Media is, partly, another.
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Virgin Atlantic Airways is something else though. On one side of the ledger are Virgin Clubhouses, outstanding airport lounges, especially the one at Heathrow. You can get massages, haircuts, the works, full cooked meals before you board the plane. On arrivals you can much the same as well. That’s brilliant, though BA does have lounges that offer a lot of the same (and when Terminal 5 opens BA may give Virgin even more a run for its money). Similarly, Virgin Upper Class sits between first and business class in terms of quality, and offers sleeper suits, on board sit down bars and massage therapists on board the plane. If you've tried Air NZ's new business class then you've experienced the Virgin Atlantic Upper Class seats (Air NZ is using them under licence). Pretty good right? Well…. it would be if the cabin crew were of a consistent standard. Virgin Atlantic clearly has, as one of its selection criteria for cabin crew, age and looks. The vast majority are relatively tall young women who look good in short skirts. While this certainly has appeal to a portion of the City Banker crowd who fly Virgin, in terms of service consistency it doesn’t really work. Virgin Atlantic crew are the spectrum, from very good to moody tarts. The ones that gossip in their regional accents swearing in the galley, and who don’t bother going out of their way to provide service. BA service tends to be more consistently good.
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However, Virgin Atlantic in economy class is pretty dire. On the surface it has a handful of little extras that sound good. The inflight entertainment system, fully interactive is rather impressive, though less so now that virtually every airline outside the USA has it or is installing such systems (it is akin to the Singapore Airlines system, which is hardly a surprise as Singapore Airlines owns 49% of Virgin Atlantic). There are inflight amenity kits for economy class passengers (earplugs, eye masks, toothbrush/toothpaste) which is a nice touch. Finally there is a choice of three mains for meals. This is where substance is lacking.

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The food itself is vile, bland and is rivalled by your average Tesco readymeal. Drinks are served in tiny glasses and you’ll be lucky if the drinks trolley comes round again (I didn’t get wine apparently because I needed to ask for it, so I got no drink). Once the short skirted ones (never seen a male Virgin Atlantic flight attendant, ever!) have done their jobs, they disappear and lurk in the crew quarters (which on the A340 Airbuses appear to be cunningly situated downstairs I think!). So service disappears. Then there is the seat. Virgin Atlantic squeezes lots of seats on its aircraft (all long haul) with a seat pitch of 29-31”. Want to know what that’s like?

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Air NZ on a domestic 737 flight averages as slightly better, imagine that for 12 hours London-Hong Kong. Ryanair manages a similar standard. BA is a little better with a standard 31”, but Singapore Airlines and Air NZ go for 32-34” depending on aircraft type (Singapore gives more room on 777s, but Air NZ gives more on 747s). Virgin Atlantic economy truly is cattle class.

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On a better note, its premium economy on the other hand has just been upgraded to new wider seats with more legroom, and from appearance looks better than Air NZ's. Finally, Virgin Atlantic had an annoying little slogan called “4 engines 4 long haul” to imply that airlines that had twin engined planes for long haul flights were less safe. Utter bollocks of course, because any modern twin engined plane can fly on one engine safely for considerable distances, and have done so across the Atlantic and between Europe and Asia for many years.
^
Now I come back to Virgin trains. Virgin Trains receive tens of millions of pounds of taxpayers money each year to operate trains on one of the main lines out of London to Birmingham and Manchester. These trains run one of the busiest rail routes in Britain. It is quicker by rail than by air (taking into account airport transfer and check in and luggage pickup times) and by road between those cities. Virgin trains charges up to £168 one way in first class between London and Manchester, and £109 in second class. There is a high proportion of business traffic, which explains why four out of nine carriages are first class. Virgin touts how environmentally friendly it is and all that, but wont invest in more trains without taxpayers coughing up, even though it is faster and charges a not too insignificant fare for the trips.

^

Furthermore it regularly fails to provide the complementary refreshments expected in first class (sorry can’t do breakfast today, the skillet is broken or the coating is worn off, or we didn’t load the eggs), and you get nothing in compensation (oops I forgot, you can apply for compensation and the onboard shop attendant refuses to accept the compensation voucher because it doesn’t have the word “Virgin” on it, and just acts like a Soviet era worker denying that it’s his fault). How about the sockets for the laptop power that don’t work, and the response is a shrug that it is a maintenance problem, presumably because Virgin doesn’t check everything to make sure the train is fully functional.
^
Branson of course never experiences anything like this when he takes the well publicised trips on his trains. I needn't spend much time wondering why.

^
Virgin group have been innovators in some senses, Virgin Atlantic was the very first airline to introduce 180 degree flat reclining seats in business class (albeit it was a clunky recliner that went all the way back in those days), and certainly helped put pressure on BA to do better, and vice versa. However, mostly, Virgin is a sexy brand name that has not much more behind it than the colours and the pazazz of Branson. Virgin Blue some years ago promised domestic flights in New Zealand. This, of course, was media bluster and wont ever happen in my view. Pacific Blue was going to slash prices to and from Australia, and it now prices hardly any differently from anyone else (and frankly, if you pay the same with Qantas, Air NZ or Emirates you can get a better seat, get fed with free drinks and entertainment).
^
It’s a shame really. Virgin trains are ok, but nothing special. Virgin Atlantic is pretty good up the front, but with variable service and economy class that really is scum class because of almost criminally tight seating. BA, on balance, is better in most respects. Virgin media could be really good, if it had the flexibility and helpdesk service that was better than the UK standard (which isn’t high). Such a powerful brand, and such mediocrity. It isn't a brand for grownups sadly.

^

UPDATE: It appears the Department for Transport has found a more grown up firm to run some of the routes Virgin Trains have been running. I mean, hot meals in first class, free wi-fi. Who'd have thought. Go Arriva!

Garuda banned from the EU

Given that (according to the BBC) European Commission has banned Garuda Indonesian Airways from flying to any European Union country, and has advised EU citizens to not fly on ANY Indonesian airlines because of safety concerns, it might not be bad advice for New Zealanders either (note that Garuda doesn't fly to Auckland anymore, but does fly to Australia).

Video on demand entertainment on Air NZ Trans Tasman/Pacific flights

Well about time really. Thankfully the government is a passive shareholder in Air NZ, otherwise it might regard the $50 million investment in installing individual on-demand entertainment TV screens for all classes on the Boeing 767s and Airbus A320s as a waste of money.

^

The 767s fly all services to Cairns, Honolulu, Perth, and Tahiti, and some from Auckland to Apia, Nandi, Rarotonga, Nuku'alofa, Brisbane, Adelaide and Sydney, and extensions of flights from Apia, Nandi and Rarotonga to/from Los Angeles (the long slow way from Auckland to LA).

^

The A320s fly all services from Wellington and Christchurch to Australia and the Pacific, and from Auckland to Noumea and Port Vila, and some from Auckland to Adelaide, Apia, Brisbane, Melbourne, Nandi, Norfolk Island, Nuku'alofa, Rarotonga and Sydney.

^

Finally NZ can compete a bit better with the likes of Emirates across the Tasman, only the odd international 737 flight (usually to Niue and Norfolk Island, but occasionally elsewhere) will be without any decent entertainment. What the report doesn't note is that this means new seats on the 767s in both classes.

^

On top of that, shortly you'll be allowed to use Air NZ Airpoints to upgrade on flights by other Star Alliance carriers that have joined the Star Alliance upgrade scheme. They are:

- ANA (Japan);

- Asiana (South Korea);

- Austrian Airlines;

- LOT (Poland);

- Lufthansa;

- Singapore Airlines;

- Swiss;

- Thai;

- TAP (Portugal); and

- United.

^

I'll wait and see how many airpoints dollars I need to upgrade to first class on Singapore Airlines!

^

UPDATE: It appears the Boeing 767s will be losing business class in favour of premium economy class - hmmm.

Mile high

Ridge and Loos try it on on Air NZ flying from London to LA.

The NZ Herald reports that:
“Passenger Rachel Bernam, told London newspaper The News of the World: "It was pretty obvious what was going on." She added: "They started snogging and then she disappeared under the blanket. I was shocked - it was then the steward told them to knock it off." An Air NZ spokeswoman said the airline was "not at liberty" to discuss individual passengers. "However, we can confirm there were complaints in the premium cabin on NZ1 on February 2 that required cabin crew to ask a couple of passengers to modify their behaviour"

^
However the Brisbane Courier Mail tells more:
“Ridge was busted receiving oral sex from girlfriend Rebecca Loos on an Air New Zealand flight from London to Los Angeles last week. Crew had to interrupt the pair after passengers complained. "It was pretty obvious what was going on. She was giving him oral sex . . . and he was loving it," said passenger Rachel Bernam, seated behind the former league star.”

^
Now there are planes and seats better suited to this than the Air NZ business class pods. For starters, the bathrooms at the back of a 747 are many and not well monitored, especially at night. The rear of the front cabin (nose) on a 747 tends to be quite discreet and private, the back rows especially. The upper deck isn’t as good as it seems, because the galley is at the back and the crew rest areas and cockpit at the front. There is another crew rest area which most passengers are unaware of, but unless the crew want to share you, you’ll get no chances there. Some Airbus A340s have downstairs toilets or galleys (Thai, Cathay, LAN, Aerolineas Argentinas all fly these to NZ).

^
So some basic rules of thumb:
1. The bigger the plane the better your chances. Boeing 747s and Airbus A340s are the biggest in the air now, the A380 may offer even more chances.
2. The more exclusive the cabin the better your chances. This is mainly because some airlines make the first or business class toilets bigger, and there are more of them per passenger. It also reflects bigger more private seating, but that is all.
3. Do it in the dark. Wait till after dinner on an overnight flight and then slink off when the lights are dimmed. By then the crew are doing little, most people have their earplugs and eye masks on.
4. Find banks of toilets that are not monitored. Rear ends of planes that don’t have galleys are best (747s) though this goes against rule of thumb 2.

Classic Boris Johnson and Qantas's new business class service

Conservative MP Boris Johnson’s latest Daily Telegraph column highlighting the hypocrisy of certain tabloid newspapers which on the one hand luridly post headlines and images involving gratuitous sex, while also being part of the “outrage” community who forever bemoan the filth on television, perverts and the sexualisation of society. Johnson is often hilarious, usually unintentionally, but did have the balls to take on Jamie Oliver on school meals.
^
He was motivated by one Qantas flight attendant granting Ralph Fiennes business class service (from Darwin to Mumbai), which came to light because the damned silly woman sold the story to the Mail on Sunday (here) - the trashiest tabloid if only because it is the one that most pretends to be about news, but is actually carefully cloaked anti-foreign, populist, reactionary bullshit. The Mail doesn’t do the phwoar tits and arse of the Sun, but its no serious paper either.
^
By the way, this is the juicy bit from the Mail on Sunday, because I know if you aren’t interested, you stop reading:
^
“There were only 12 passengers in business class that night. Then, as she was preparing to go on her break, Fiennes made an unexpected suggestion. Lisa said: 'We had chatted a bit about India - where I've been five times - and his movies. 'When I told him I was going for a break, he said, "I might come and visit you for a chat, if that's OK." I was a bit surprised, but also thrilled. I said, "Sure."' Lisa admits she was smitten by the star, but says she did not make the first move and had no thought of what might happen next.

^
It was 11pm and most of the other passengers were asleep. Lisa retired behind the curtained crew area, next to the cockpit, took off her shoes and put her feet up. But moments later she was interrupted by Fiennes.

^
'I'm sorry, were you sleeping?, he said. 'No,' she replied. 'Come in and take a seat.'

^
Lisa is not proud of what happened next, but she found Fiennes 'irresistible'. 'At first we just chatted,' she said. 'He sat really close to me. He told me he was learning lines for a new movie with Colin Farrell, playing the part of a gangster. He said he was practising his cockney accent. 'I asked him to give me an example. He did and it was really good. I told him again that The English Patient was just the best movie, but he said, 'That was over ten years ago. Why don't people value my later work?'

^
'I apologised and said I didn't mean to offend him. I guess we talked for about an hour about lots of different things. He thought it was funny that I lived alone with my dog, a Lhasa Apso-poodle cross called Finn.' Fiennes told Lisa he was touring Indian villages for Unicef to talk about AIDS awareness. He asked what she would be doing in Bombay, where she was staying, and said, 'Do you want to meet up?' Stunned and deeply flattered, Lisa said: 'Yeah. That would be cool.'

^
By this point they were sitting so close their faces were just inches apart. Lisa said: 'He held my hands. Then he started kissing me. The kissing was very passionate and his hands were all over me. I just melted.
^

'He was caressing my neck, holding my head and he started undoing the buttons on my dress. The way he was going, he would have made love to me right there.

^
'I was very turned on and so was he. I had butterflies in my stomach. I was touching his face and his hair. He had beautiful skin. I was undoing his shirt as well. It was a bit surreal, like a scene from one of his movies.

^
'But I was afraid my supervisor might pull back the curtain and catch us. Eventually, I couldn't bear it any longer. I just grabbed his hand and said, "Come in here a minute."

^
'By this time, we had half our clothes off and I didn't care about anything. I led him into the cabin lavatory next to where we had been sitting and locked the door. 'Ralph was a great lover. And I thought if I was going to get the sack, it would be worth it. I knew it was against the rules and wrong but I didn't care.

^
'I was a bit shocked that he didn't wear a condom. Looking back, I think of it as dangerous behaviour and hypocritical given that he was going to India to talk about AIDS. 'He asked me, "Have you ever done this before?". I said, "No, never." I asked him the same question and he said, "No." 'The only strange thing was that he kept his eyes open the whole time, staring at me intensely, although we were kissing madly.

^
'I realised that people would miss me and wonder where I was as my break was almost over. I told him we had to get out of there quickly. 'I helped him get dressed and he told me that when he got out of the toilet he would press his call button to distract the other flight attendants so that I could leave.

^
'But a male member of staff saw Ralph come out of the toilet and he saw me lock the door after Ralph. When I came out, the member of staff was still there. I prepared to get back to work but the cabin manager wanted a word with me. She asked, "Did you go into the toilet with a male passenger?"

^
'I said, "No." But she said three people saw me do it. She told me I had crossed the line and that she was going to report me when we got back to Sydney. 'Ralph called me over and asked, "Is everything all right?" I told him, "No,"and sat down next to him. He was very concerned, but I downplayed it and said I would sort it out.

^
'I knew I was in big trouble. I was ordered to spend the rest of the flight working in economy and I was the talk of the other cabin crew.”

Ralph Fiennes' publicist says the flight attendant was the aggressor. Nevertheless, she's out of a job and he's sitting back with a new boost of publicity and will be forgiven - after all, he's a man women find beautiful - and they are always forgiven. While some say this episode is good for Qantas, I think it is the exact opposite. When you are famous and fly you don't want the cabin crew to be selling stories of your trip - discretion is the key. Quite a few celebrities (Sarah Michelle Gellar) fly Singapore Airlines (where you wont get this sort of service of course), and you hear nothing of it.

Airline passengers charged by weight?

Given how strict some airlines get about checked luggage, and the growing obesity of airline passengers, an enlightened airline policy could be to combine weights of passengers and luggage to determine if there is an “excess” fare. This means instead of a standard 20kg policy for checked luggage it should be total passenger/luggage weight of (in economy class) say 113kg = 85kg body plus 28 kg for hand and checked luggage. If you weigh 65kg, you get 20kg more luggage, at 110kg you get 3kg to carry/check in, unless you pay more.
^
At a certain point girth has to matter too, the narrowest Air NZ seat is on the Boeing 737 at 17 inches, so that’s the test. If you can’t fit 17 inches without overlapping, buy another seat (or on international flights go up a class, where it doesn’t matter as seats in premium economy and business overlap).
^
It’s green too – reduces fuel consumption on planes, reduces demand for flying and it would also encourage more people to lose weight.
^
Now it shouldn’t be government policy, but I wonder how many people would choose an airline if they could take more luggage if they weighed less, AND knew they could have a seat without someone encroaching on their space?

Aviation security hysteria

Fucking security hysteria. Where is the cost/benefit analysis, where is the risk assessment? What is the likelihood of a flight to Niue causing havoc compared to one to Dunedin? Of course, has anyone told security people about how liquids are not the only way to make a bomb? Planes have alcohol on board, and glasses (these can break and be used as weapons) and crockery... there is no end to the risks of flying - and of course it wouldn't take much for half a dozen likely men to simultaneously open a couple of doors midflight.

^

Remember when New Zealand had absolutely no domestic air security? It still does, whenever you fly on an Air NZ turboprop plane (i.e. all Air NZ link flights) there is no check as to whether or not you have a machete, caustic soda or something metallic in your underwear - so you see Al Qaeda can plan its attack on the Beehive using an Air NZ ATR-72 - which of course it wont.

^

So now New Zealand is joining the US, EU and Australia in implementing what are, for NZ, hysterical limits on what you can take on board international flights.

^

You see, this is because apparently the 6am flight from Wellington to Sydney is a risk, and the Aussies wont let us fly planes there unless we screen them all. Sydney, Perth and Norfolk Island are all the same risk.

^

So whether you are flying to LA, Norfolk Island, Adelaide, Papeete, Niue or Osaka, you will face the following:

^

"From 31 March, all international air travellers leaving New Zealand will only be able to carry onto an aircraft liquids, gels and aerosols in containers of 100ml or less, and only as many containers as fit into a single resealable plastic bag of one litre volume. Flysmart is designed to inform those travelling overseas how they can comply with the new standards without causing any disruption to their travel plans or to the plans of other passengers. There will be exemptions for medicines, baby food and essential dietary supplies, but these items will be subject to additional checking by security staff".

^

Some little anally retentive wanker thought that up didn't he? "one litre volume" like some self righteous little wannabe school prefect who likes telling people what to do, who enjoys confiscating some elderly woman's perfume because she didn't know any better and goes off at lunchtime bragging about the people he has harassed before going to the loo to have a wank of his pencil dick. Security and safety fascists must be the worst parents ever, with either the most rebellious or most militaristic kids, and with a secret BDSM fetish demanding that they are in turn told what to do by someone else.

^

Now I know the EU and US have this, but there are no non-stop flights from NZ to Europe, and only flights to Honolulu, LA and San Francisco to the US - all of which already have secondary security at Auckland airport, so it isn't Europe and the US. The hysteria is because Australia is doing the same.

^

This is completely disastrous for all sorts of reasons. It will mean:

- No deodorant for many travellers;

- Dehydration (so damned well demand water from airlines, ask flight attendant for water more often - damn them if they wont respond to security mania). I used to buy a large bottle of water to carry on board flights between NZ and Europe to cover what is around 30 hours of travelling, now you'll have to deal with whatever is available airside at the terminal - which wont be cheap;

- Medications without prescriptions. So if you have a cold before you fly, nothing. If you are an asthmatic, you probably don't keep prescriptions with your Ventolin.

^

Presumably efforts to negotiate with Australia an exemption for New Zealand have failed miserably (I hope there have been efforts).

^

Of course this will be a windfall for airside shopping in all international airports - not so bad in Auckland, rather dire in Wellington and Christchurch and disastrous in the likes of Hamilton and Palmerston North. So airport companies have NO incentives to oppose this. Neither with no frills airlines like Jetstar and Freedom Air, who sell you food on board. Of course it makes it even more advantageous to fly first, business and premium economy classes where it is easy to get more to drink (and especially as airlines make most of their revenue from these).

^

In typical New Labour style, the campaign has a "kool" catchy name "Flysmart". This is so it seems like new restrictions on your travel are GOOD for you, or you could call it "Slyfart" instead.

^

Well I am going to have to:

- Spend money airside on things I can buy landside cheaper ande better;

- Waste time taking little plastic bags to carry objects more inert than many other things on planes, and waste time thinking about it;

- Stand in queues behind people who don't know any better.

I wish people would fly smart, I wish they would do the following things:

- Fill out your frigging departure car/arrival card before entering the queue;

- Get your ticket/passport out before you checkin, and have your boarding pass ready for the gate and when you get on the plane, idiots;

- Don't take children under the age of 8, they are a nuisance and it is beyond me why it is cheaper for them to fly than adults, they take up the same space, use the toilet as often, need their own meals and get more cabin attendant attention;

- Don't hang around the gate waiting to board - you don't board first, I do, along with all the other frequent flyers who keep the airline business afloat;

- Don't rush up to get out of the plane the moment the seatbelt sign is off, the gangway/steps aren't ready yet, the plane isn't going to leave the airport with you on board and don't push forward if you sit in the back, you don't leave first, I do, along with all the other frequent flyers... because you see, our luggage comes off first too. You can leave first when you pay for the privilege of sitting up front or become Prime Minister;

- Don't keep coins in your pockets, wear large metal jewellery etc before security - you slow it up for everyone else you fool;

- Don't negotiate for an upgrade, you will fail. Upgrades are granted spontaneously or to those who pay for them through points/frequent flyer status etc;

- Turn your cellphone off before you get on board, keep it off until you leave. It has little to do with safety, but you can wait less than half an hour before talking. Please stare disapprovingly at anyone doing this too, it ought to be socially unacceptable;

- Seriously obese people should lose weight, sit in a higher class or buy two seats - sorry you're not entitled to both armrests and other people's sitting space;

- don't stand to pee unless you're very very good at it (in other words competent) and clean up afterwards if you ignore it;

- Don't carry so much luggage that you don't know what to do with it at your seat, what were you planning on doing, camping out?

- Don't sneeze or cough without fully covering your mouth and nose.

^

There is NO good reason for this to be universal (saving money is not a reason, what value time and convenience and freedom? We could all save money if the government approved all our private spending according to whether it was good for us). There does NOT need to be insane security flying to the Pacific Islands, Asia or South America - and given the majority of people flying to Europe fly through Asia, at least give them 12 or so hours without this nonsense on their final leg to Europe. You see I can fly Hong Kong or Singapore to Auckland with my water but not the other way.

^

Security is important, but the least secure place in New Zealand is not travelling on a Boeing 737 flying to Norfolk Island - it is the streets and houses in certain parts of the country. People involved with security will always err on the side of restricting freedom - like the Police. Every single proposal I ever read from the Police involved having more powers, more laws and more ability to intervene in peoples' lives - for their own good.

^

It would be nice if the government had said it reluctantly has decided to proceed with this for flights to Australia only, but will seek an annual review of the security arrangements with Australia and will not unnecessarily inconvenience or delay travellers to other destinations (except the US) when there is no reason to do so.

^

However, that's too hard. By the way, I wonder if this security also applies to Ministers and to Broomsticks 1 and 2 when they fly overseas to any destination? I wonder how long it is before all cutlery are banned on board, belts too, alcohol, glasses, or indeed you're never allowed to leave your seat unless accompanied to the toilet by a flight attendant (!). After all, it's for your own good!

^

However most of you are such sheeple, you'll just baaah and say "musn't grumble". You see your fear about security catching flights to Australia makes me laugh, when I can catch a main line train in the UK into any major London station with absolutely no security checks whatsoever - into Kings Cross, Euston, Victoria, Paddington, Liverpool Street. I can catch the tube without such checks.... so how many NZ-Singapore flights have been targeted by terrorists compared to the tube? Go on.... explain that away petty NZ security advisors please?