Help in using the tube

At summertime some special advice is needed to use the London underground. This handy tips are for regular and occasional users, and apply mostly to men.

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Before you attempt to use the tube follow these steps:

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1. Have a shower or bath in the morning. Use soap or a soap related product, and at least shampoo (if not condition). Spend at least 10 minutes under it, focusing on the face and underarms. The water shortage does not apply to showers or baths, and you'll find the majority of others already do this.

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2. Apply deodorant to your underarms and anywhere else that sweats a lot. This product is available at convenience stores and supermarkets throughout Greater London and is cheap. It need not have any aroma, just apply it liberally. Here are several brands you might try:

Lynx

Rexona

Crystal

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There are many others! You'll be amazed!

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3. Brush your teeth, with toothpaste and mouthwash preferably. Gargle. Make sure you use a toothbrush you bought sometime in the last 2-3 months, and you expectorate (spit out).

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4. Put on clean clothes (clothes you didn’t wear the previous day without having been laundered. Get someone to show you how to wash clothes or get them washed if you don’t understand this). (OPTIONAL - Wear good cologne/eau de toilette/aftershave. I mean GOOD. Not the same stuff you got where you got the deodorant. This will cost money and use it sparingly. Small amounts of good cologne cannot be replaced by drenching yourself in eau de £2 - that just covers your filthy disgusting sweaty BO with noxious disgusting radiator cleaner)

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5. Ride tube.

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Now riding the tube itself is not without its hazard. Here is some advice to avoid abuse:

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1. Don't pick your nose, particularly not if it is a snack or a hobby. Wait till you get home.

2. Move out of the way for people getting off (and I mean disembarking, not masturbating - you shouldn't do that either).

3. Move down the carriage if it is busy. You'll be allowed off at your stop, don't worry.

4. Don't stop in the middle of busy areas in front of people who will then walk over you, make sure you figure out where you are going before you leave.

5. Don't ride between 7.30am and 9am, or between 5pm and 6.30pm weekdays - it will make my life a little bit more pleasant, and those are the busiest times. TfL is too stupid to increase the price for the evening peak to keep you off it, so do it for the rest of us.

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Let me note that most offenders are men, and there is no racial profiling - there are equal proportions of vile men from different ethnic origins. Your man sweat may arouse your woman, man, dog, sheep - but to the rest of us don't like your bodily fluids.

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A minority of you fail to take these steps, particularly the first and second before boarding. If it were up to me, I’d ban you from the tube for health and safety reasons – the health of other passengers (because you fucking stink you revolting filthy man), and your safety – because I’d want to slap you about for being a dirty filthy stinking sweaty testosterone dripping revolting Neanderthal.